soon like a whisper...

THIS FIRST TWO SENTENCES ARE DIRECTED TOWARDS HANNAH ALLERS BUT YOU CAN READ IT TO!

Dear Hannah,
i actually am not at all in any state of depression. right now i feel better than i have in a long time. i got alot of things off of my chest that had been deep inside of me for a long long time. i thought i would feel bad or nervous or anxious or retarded or anything except happy, but in fact i am thrilled; and no matter the outcome i am better for doing everything that i have done. so i guess the point of this story is to just man up and do something about whatever it is thats bothering you. you might not get the results that you wanted, the results you prayed for, but just to get that damn monkey off your back is amazing, its a new beginning and its worth any pain that it may cause. And maybe my story isnt finished yet or maybe i will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after, i guess you will have to keep reading to find out!

"Cowboy UP!" -Hannah Lee Allers

PS1: Cabin weekend after Labor Day?!?! im going, i think.

PS2: Block party at the apt. two weeks after labor day weekend, mark your calenders! we will be serving chicking cheana chicken, an original dish by drew mac. we are also taking suggestions now for the naming rights of the apt. all inquiries may be sent to 4102A Rockdale Ave. or hand delivered to me in a 500 word essay.

This is a song written and performed by Cheana Tagatac taht i think is awesome! she performed it at a private concert in the apt. the other day.

Just My Friend

The words come to my mind
And I’m not sure if I want to tell you
I’m running out of time
If I don’t speak am I gonna lose you?
Is this my last chance
To say how I feel?
Cuz I’m not sure…
(Chorus)
Dear Lord, please help me to understand why I feel this way when I look at him
What I feel is this real because he’s just my friend
Why am I acting shy when I’m around him?
He tells me everything
About his thoughts, his hopes about his dreams
Of how he hopes she will be
His perfect girl, his angel of humanity
And all the time I, I want to ask him
Why not me?
(Repeat chorus)
Dear Lord, please help my to understand why I feel this way when I look at him
What I feel is it real because he’s just my friend
Why am I acting shy when I’m around him?
Dear Lord, I don’t know what I should do when I see the way that he loves You
I’ll admit that its him, he’s the one I’m falling for
Then again he’s my friend
Is it wrong to ask for more?

waiting for my turn to die.

you know tonite after the great show by The Tyler Flowers Band i went and ran for about 45 minutes at the high school track. after i was about to the point that i couldnt breathe i went and sat in the bleachers and just thought about life and how things can be changed by just one second, or one glance, or just a missed oportunity. i wonder where i would be right now if i hadnt messed my knee up, what would i be like, would i feel like i feel right now? its the what ifs that eat me up inside every single night of the week. i sit up in bed every time i try to sleep and think about how im wasting my time here, how my life shouldnt be like this, how i shouldnt feel like this. why everytime i feel strongly about something, everytime i think ive got something figured out, does something come back around and shoot everything i feel down? sometimes i feel like i am missing out on the secret that everyone else knows. sometimes i just want to run away, or just get in my truck and drive to somewhere where noone has even heard of me. i wish i was just man enough to do something about the way i feel. and b4 i get the comments and the calls about how depressed i am, dont do it. im fine, just have something strong on my mind and my heart and i feel like a little kid who just lost their favorite toy, there is always a new fad right around the corner. sometimes we just pay for our hesitations, our missed opportunities, with our hearts, and i feel like i've paid it all. i've paid my dues, now when do i get paid back?

and now some kick ass goo goo dolls!

I lie in my bed, you're running through my head
Going over and over and over, the things that you said
I'm caught in the trap, I'll run like hell right back to you
'Cause it's over with you and you know it means drinking alone

See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar waitin' for his turn to die
The cowboy kills the rock star and Friday night's gone too far
The dim light hides the years on all the faded girls
Forgotten but not gone you drink it off your mind
You talk about the world like it's someplace that you've been
You see you'd love to run home, but you know you ain't got one cause you're livin' in a world that you're best forgotten, around here
You're anger don't impress me the world slapped in your face
It always rains like hell on the loser's day parade

Yeah I'm fadin' And I call out No one hears me Never been, never felt, never thought I'd say a wordWeighed down Safe now You're naked inside your fear You can't take back all those yearsThe shots in the dark from empty gunsAre never heard by anyoneYeah I'm hiding in the fallout Now I'm wasted They don't need me, don't want me, don't hear a word I sayWeighed down Safe now You're naked inside your fearYou can't take back all those years The shots in the dark from empty guns Are never heard by anyone Inside your head No one's there And I don't think I'll ever be And I don't care You're naked inside your fearYou can't take back all those years The shots in the dark from empty guns Are never heard by anyone Never heard by anyone By anyone By anyone

my blogs are so long, yeah i wouldnt read it either. but i dont give a fuck. so read it if you wish if you dont well then i dont care. i put a song or a quote or ten songs at the end of every blog b/c music is what moves me. my music knows my emotions and when i am in a bad mood a killer song can reach deep down into my heart and soul and make whatever the hell is going on seem as clear as day but as distant as another planet at the same time. sometimes it just feels good to sink into another world that is not projected onto a television screen, but one that is burned into my skin, one that really moves me. so when i put ten songs on a blog its not for neone but me. its the songs that i feel moved by at that moment. and right now the goo goo dolls are pushing me around the room.

i could regret this shit one day

Expletive! Expletive, expletive, expletive!

what have i got to lose?

you know i dont even know whats going on here. i can handle all the stuff that happens. why cant i just be not here anymore (but only in a sense that i get to be around everyone that i want to, and everyone i dont want to see i simply dont see, and everything goes the way i want to instead of down the drain like it normaly does).

i have recently decided that thursdays, although normally filled with hockey and sanctuary, are the worst days ever. nothing that good ever seems to happen on a thursday. true its almost the weekend and people like weekends, but thursdays always, to me neways, seem to be filled with some type of bullshit. i wanted to do something so bad today that i could barely contain myself, and then i just didnt do it. not that i was lazy or uncaring on the matter, i just couldnt make myself do it, apparently with Bonnie (drews mail order bride) living with us for a few days my estrogen levels have risen and my balls sucked right back into my body. so i am a pansy and ended up running around in circles for two hours then drove my truck to the worst ghetto in the world and got lost and lucky for me there was a cop that hooked me up with directions to the interstate. i didnt care which interstate he told me to go to, any would have done nicely.

one hand reaches out and pulls a lost soul from harm, while a thousand more go unspoken for. they say what good have you done by saving just this one. its like whispering a prayer in the fury of the storm. they say you'll never change things and no matter what you do its still the same thing. its not the world i am changing. i do this so this world will know it will not change me.

Damn Scientist

THEY LIED TO US

This was supposed to be the future

Where is my Jetpack

Where is my robotic companion
Where is my dinner in pill form
Where is my hydrogen powered vehicle
Where is my nuclear powered levitating house

Where is my cure for this disease

this is blogalicious!!! oh yeah, i said it.

Oh what great times we are having here at "The" David Lipscomb University!!! Oh yeah it's awesome here, cant wait to see what little surprise they have waiting around the next corner for me. Well not really, i actually dont think i can handle any more of the crap that this place has to dump on me. but i am glad to be back, the people are great no matter how bad everything else gets. I dont, however, enjoy meeting all of these new people that are everywhere. Some random girl that i dont know told me that i was a horrible person for not going to service day. Of course non freshman dont typically go to service day, but i didnt care enough to correct her. I enjoy telling people that i am a seventh year junior, they think its odd, i think i am a dominator. Freshman you should watch out for Hue he will poke you with his cane pole, or knock you on the side with it and act like it was an accident when in all reality he just wanted you to touch his cane.

By the way it is Saturday night at 10 pm and i am sitting in my room all alone because i suck at life.

Positive attitudes and cheerful hearts thats the way everyday should start, well now its nightime and i am beat. i feel like i got in a fight with a monkey that could fight really good and could hit me in places so fast that i never even really saw that monkey hit me, but i know in my heart it must have been him, who else would hit me? I am just to soft to ever be hit. crazy monkey. i hope he doesnt hit you, cause man it burns.

Dear Lipscomb Univ.
Dont pee on my head and tell me its raining, eventually i will figure you out!

you dont have to keep on reading anymore, these are just two hootie and the blowfish lyrics that i like. so peace out im going to bed.

Now the room is crowded, people everywhere And I wonder should I offer you a chair. Well if you sit down with this old clown, he'll take that frown and break it. Before the evening's gone away, I think that we could make it. And I hope that I don't fall in love with you. Now the night does funny things inside a man. These old tomcat feelings you don't understand. I turn around and look at you, you light a cigarette. Wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met. And I hope that I don't fall in love with you. And I can see that you are lonesome just like me. And I'm feeling like you'd like some company. Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me. The guy you're with is up and split, the chair next to you's free. And I hope that you don't fall in love with me. Now it's closing time, the music's fading out. Last call for drinks I'll have another stout. I turn around and look at you, you're nowhere to be found. I search the place for your lost face, I guess I'll have another round, and I think that I just fell in love with you

why am i always the last one to say how i feel, its like driving down the middle of the road with no hands on the wheel, and i keep hearing stories of a guy who was killed while he prayed. So go ahead and say it cause we are all gonna die anyway. state your peace, go ahead and say it i swear it cant get much worse. You can try and be a hero but people keep dying everyday. and it seems like the future is always waiting on the tip of my tongue, like a guy waiting back till its to late the damage is done. You can try and change the world by showing everyone a better way, but the world is going to do what it is going to do at the end of the day. So state your peace go ahead and say it, i swear it cant get much worse. take your peace and blow it wide open, and state your peace you just might be the one to change the world. you can change the world.

Take Luck!!!

Betsy, Hannah, and Megan are my favorite!!!

Lipscomb sucks balls, they screwed me too.

Don't worry...i've got a "handle"

its 4.5 o'clock in the morning and i have never been more tired in my life, and yet i close my eyes and every single thought that i have ever had seems to become the most important thing ever. i cant sleep b/c i went to a party tonite and since i wasnt partaking in any "delicious beverages" i had a cherry lemon sundrop, which apparently contains the legal limit of caffeine that one human being can ingest at any given time. and me being the responsible adult babysitter that i am, i gave some DD rides to a few friends and that seemed to take all of forever. this has nothing to do with my sleep, but Tripod the three legged dog took a huge nasty diarrhea dump on my truck. i am sadden to inform you that tripod is no longer with us, but i did get a new bipod dog.

i am amazed at how attached i am to my cell phone, apparently at around 1:30 am on friday someone decided that it would be a good idea to jack up the cell tower in c'ville. well this cut off my service for about two days and almost wrecked my entire life. i understand that i am a complete loser and noone at all has any intention of making my phone ring, but its still nice to have my mom call me at awkward hours and ask what i am doing.

i feel like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. school is about to start, that always sucks, between books, teachers, class, and just lipscomb in general, i just dont know if its worth it anymore. i only really know like five whole people there, and they are great, but man there has got to be something more for me then a windowless basement classroom in mcfarlin. i took my boat out and sat on tims ford lake the other day, i was just at that point where i thought i could snap on someone at any point and i really just needed to go out and sit there all alone. i just wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs until i couldnt make another noise. but i didnt. i just drove around and fished and thought about the deepest points of life. i came to conclusion that if im not helping someone else, someone who is really in need of help, then what am i doing. im wasting my time. i think that me not going through fire school is coming back to haunt me. i would be graduated by now, and a full time nashville-metro firefighter. i would be dirt poor for the rest of my life, but i think i would have an amazing job. i wonder what would happen if i didnt go back, that would be awesome. im not depressed or anything, its just the culmination of everything hitting all at once.

i still havent moved in yet, im not really sure why.

next blog will be a happy blog, one to make people laugh and they wont even know why they are laughing, but they will continue laughing for no apparent reason. their co-workers and friends will look on in udder amazement, but the laughing will continue. strangers on the street will turn their eyes away from you to avoid eye contact, but the laughing will continue. small children will run away in fear of the crazy weird laughing lady with all the cats, but the laughing will continue. precious lambs and other woodland creatures will frolick to their cave homes, but the laughing will continue, and i dont even know why, but it must continue.

"this is my apology, i killed myself from the inside out, and all my fears have pushed you out. i wished for things that i dont need, what i chase wont set me free and i get scared but im not crawling on my knees. everything is all wrong here, where the hell did i think i was. take these things so i dont feel, now my heads been filled with doubt, its hard to live the life you choose, when all your lucks run out on you and you cant see when all your dreams are coming true, its easy to forget. when you choke on the regress, who the hell did i think i was. stranger than your sympathy and all these thoughts you stole from me, and im not sure where i belong, and nowheres home and im all wrong. i wasnt all the things i tried to make believe i was, and i wouldnt be the one to kneal before the dreams i wanted all the talk and all the lies and all the empty things disguised as me. who the hell did i think i was?" -goo goo dolls