Don't worry...i've got a "handle"
its 4.5 o'clock in the morning and i have never been more tired in my life, and yet i close my eyes and every single thought that i have ever had seems to become the most important thing ever. i cant sleep b/c i went to a party tonite and since i wasnt partaking in any "delicious beverages" i had a cherry lemon sundrop, which apparently contains the legal limit of caffeine that one human being can ingest at any given time. and me being the responsible adult babysitter that i am, i gave some DD rides to a few friends and that seemed to take all of forever. this has nothing to do with my sleep, but Tripod the three legged dog took a huge nasty diarrhea dump on my truck. i am sadden to inform you that tripod is no longer with us, but i did get a new bipod dog.
i am amazed at how attached i am to my cell phone, apparently at around 1:30 am on friday someone decided that it would be a good idea to jack up the cell tower in c'ville. well this cut off my service for about two days and almost wrecked my entire life. i understand that i am a complete loser and noone at all has any intention of making my phone ring, but its still nice to have my mom call me at awkward hours and ask what i am doing.
i feel like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. school is about to start, that always sucks, between books, teachers, class, and just lipscomb in general, i just dont know if its worth it anymore. i only really know like five whole people there, and they are great, but man there has got to be something more for me then a windowless basement classroom in mcfarlin. i took my boat out and sat on tims ford lake the other day, i was just at that point where i thought i could snap on someone at any point and i really just needed to go out and sit there all alone. i just wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs until i couldnt make another noise. but i didnt. i just drove around and fished and thought about the deepest points of life. i came to conclusion that if im not helping someone else, someone who is really in need of help, then what am i doing. im wasting my time. i think that me not going through fire school is coming back to haunt me. i would be graduated by now, and a full time nashville-metro firefighter. i would be dirt poor for the rest of my life, but i think i would have an amazing job. i wonder what would happen if i didnt go back, that would be awesome. im not depressed or anything, its just the culmination of everything hitting all at once.
i still havent moved in yet, im not really sure why.
next blog will be a happy blog, one to make people laugh and they wont even know why they are laughing, but they will continue laughing for no apparent reason. their co-workers and friends will look on in udder amazement, but the laughing will continue. strangers on the street will turn their eyes away from you to avoid eye contact, but the laughing will continue. small children will run away in fear of the crazy weird laughing lady with all the cats, but the laughing will continue. precious lambs and other woodland creatures will frolick to their cave homes, but the laughing will continue, and i dont even know why, but it must continue.
"this is my apology, i killed myself from the inside out, and all my fears have pushed you out. i wished for things that i dont need, what i chase wont set me free and i get scared but im not crawling on my knees. everything is all wrong here, where the hell did i think i was. take these things so i dont feel, now my heads been filled with doubt, its hard to live the life you choose, when all your lucks run out on you and you cant see when all your dreams are coming true, its easy to forget. when you choke on the regress, who the hell did i think i was. stranger than your sympathy and all these thoughts you stole from me, and im not sure where i belong, and nowheres home and im all wrong. i wasnt all the things i tried to make believe i was, and i wouldnt be the one to kneal before the dreams i wanted all the talk and all the lies and all the empty things disguised as me. who the hell did i think i was?" -goo goo dolls
i am amazed at how attached i am to my cell phone, apparently at around 1:30 am on friday someone decided that it would be a good idea to jack up the cell tower in c'ville. well this cut off my service for about two days and almost wrecked my entire life. i understand that i am a complete loser and noone at all has any intention of making my phone ring, but its still nice to have my mom call me at awkward hours and ask what i am doing.
i feel like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. school is about to start, that always sucks, between books, teachers, class, and just lipscomb in general, i just dont know if its worth it anymore. i only really know like five whole people there, and they are great, but man there has got to be something more for me then a windowless basement classroom in mcfarlin. i took my boat out and sat on tims ford lake the other day, i was just at that point where i thought i could snap on someone at any point and i really just needed to go out and sit there all alone. i just wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs until i couldnt make another noise. but i didnt. i just drove around and fished and thought about the deepest points of life. i came to conclusion that if im not helping someone else, someone who is really in need of help, then what am i doing. im wasting my time. i think that me not going through fire school is coming back to haunt me. i would be graduated by now, and a full time nashville-metro firefighter. i would be dirt poor for the rest of my life, but i think i would have an amazing job. i wonder what would happen if i didnt go back, that would be awesome. im not depressed or anything, its just the culmination of everything hitting all at once.
i still havent moved in yet, im not really sure why.
next blog will be a happy blog, one to make people laugh and they wont even know why they are laughing, but they will continue laughing for no apparent reason. their co-workers and friends will look on in udder amazement, but the laughing will continue. strangers on the street will turn their eyes away from you to avoid eye contact, but the laughing will continue. small children will run away in fear of the crazy weird laughing lady with all the cats, but the laughing will continue. precious lambs and other woodland creatures will frolick to their cave homes, but the laughing will continue, and i dont even know why, but it must continue.
"this is my apology, i killed myself from the inside out, and all my fears have pushed you out. i wished for things that i dont need, what i chase wont set me free and i get scared but im not crawling on my knees. everything is all wrong here, where the hell did i think i was. take these things so i dont feel, now my heads been filled with doubt, its hard to live the life you choose, when all your lucks run out on you and you cant see when all your dreams are coming true, its easy to forget. when you choke on the regress, who the hell did i think i was. stranger than your sympathy and all these thoughts you stole from me, and im not sure where i belong, and nowheres home and im all wrong. i wasnt all the things i tried to make believe i was, and i wouldnt be the one to kneal before the dreams i wanted all the talk and all the lies and all the empty things disguised as me. who the hell did i think i was?" -goo goo dolls
posted by Brad at
4:39 AM
2 Comments:
"Brad...have you ever killed anyone?"
"No Megan. I haven't."
Thanks for acting like that was a normal question. And for helping me by yelling at me when I make bad decisions. We all know I need that.
Go back to fire school. You're freaking miserable. Just cut your losses and do it. I won't listen to you complain unless you will do what you want to do, thus, fixing the problem. I'm not yelling at you.
I laughed really hard at your blog. The precious lambs all ran away. We're BFF. You can't escape it.
By
Megan P., at 9:04 PM
Don't forget that you are a man's man....
By
Unknown, at 2:29 PM
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