Smiling on the outside

1. Perfected my ability to pick things up with my toes
2. Avoided a dead squirrel in the road...ran over a bird
3. Tried to make square pancakes
4. Practiced my new fake laugh in the elevator at school
5. Still had sleep (aka "sleep dust", "eye bugers") in my eyes at 1:15 PM
6. Lobbied for Websters Dictionary to include the word "ginormous" in their next printing
7. Tried to figure out how Montell Williams has looked the same since 1993
8. Told my grandma that if she made some chocolate chip cookies they might help me get that job at NASA, she laughed at me, but still made me some cookies.
9. Woke up spooning a box of Granola Bars
10. Cried during a Sylvan Learning Center commercial
11. Farted into a Tupperware bowl...sealed it...and will release the fumes at midnight when dawson comes home.
12. Watched a woman pick up her dogs shit bare handed out of our yard, i thanked her.
13. Finally got aroung to asking my mom where babies come from.
14. After being awarded a second degree black belt, I joined Cobra Kai
15. Yelled, "Daniel Larusso is a dead-man for dishonoring my dojo!" and "Put 'em in a bodybag
Johnny!"
16. Heard a lady at Subway ask the worker how big the 6" inch sandwich was
17. I am worth $1,792,000 on HumanForSale.com
18. Avoided yet another shark attack by living in Tennessee instead of Florida
19. Had a prophecy to bet it all on black 23 the next time I'm at the boats
20. Made flyers for the Lipscomb Underground Rock Paper Scissors League (LURPSL)
21. Told my two cousins that puntang meant pudding in Spanish
22. Five minutes later I heard one of them say, "Mom can you get me some puntang?"
23. Nearly pissed my pants
24. My Abnormal Psych. teacher told us that Frueds theories were (with a bad studder) B-b-b-b-bullshit!
25. Same teacher said 5 times during class that there is "more than one way to skin a cat."
26. On the 6th time asked him to name one...he couldnt.
27. Red Wings lose to THE Nashville Predators two nights in a row...could it get any better than this?

Thats it, the highlights are done.
I discovered a hidden song on one of my old good charlotte cd's that may be a new favorite. we will have to see. I want to go somewhere, but i dont want to drive, it should be warm, sunny, low humidity, and quiet. if such a place exists in the greater southeastern area in january/february would you please let me know? I decided the other day im going to stop doing some things. Like text messaging so much, and im going to try and like some people that i dont really have much tolerance for, not adam barney though, he's got no chance, to many people want me to like him. Also i will not be wasting my time not studying. i need to do good at this new school, you know make a good impression, so im going to try and bust my butt some. Also im not going to have anymore of these little crushes on girls when i dont have the sack to do anything about it. Also im going to try and live below my means. I have zero income and a 300 dollar rent check plus utilities due at the end of every month but i still go out and blow money like its nothing. No more new shirts, or anything like that. But i dont understand because according to number 17 im worth 1.7 million dollars, that should be good the next time i run into a low checking account, right?

Lost and broken,Hopeless and lonely.Smiling on the outside,and hurt beneath my skin.My eyes are fading,My soul is bleeding.I'll try to make it seem okay,But my faith is wearing thin.So help me heal these wounds,They've been open for way too long.Help me fill this hole,Even though this is not your fault,That I'm open,And I'm bleeding,All over your brand new rug.And I need someone to help me sew them up.I only wanted a magazine,I only wanted a movie screen,I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed.And now my mind is an open book,And now my heart is an open wound,And now my life is an open soul for all to see.But help me heal these wounds,They've been open for way too long.Help me fill this hole,Even though this is not your fault,That I'm open and I'm bleeding,All over your brand new rug.And I need someone to help me,So you come along,I push you away,Then kick and scream for you to stay.Cuz I need someone to help me,Oh I need someone to help me,To help me heal these wounds,They've been open for way too long.Help me fill this hole,Even though this is not your fault,That I'm open,And I'm bleeding,All over your brand new rug.And I need someone to help me sew them,I need someone to help me fill them,I need someone to help me close them up.

can anyone tell what ive done?

I dont want to hear anything ever again about people missing out on stuff, or being lonely, or anything like that. i know i complain more than anyone in this world, but if you want something go take it. dont just seize the moment, seize the day. Oh yeah...keep your arm elevated. If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, its probably gay. We might go to the proverbial game, the one next to the flower shop, in a couple of weeks. its sold out, and if it wasnt tickets are 50 bucks a piece...if your cool enough you know what im talking about!

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done
I missed life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am
I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I've known
Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines the life away from me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
It's down to this I've got to make this life make sense And now I can't do what I've done

I got home today around 12.30 or so and after my half hour of cops i spent the rest of the day watching VH1, MTV, FX, and other stupid crap that was on. And for some reason i decided to come sit in my room and watch the last remaining bit of hope that i have for school to be cancelled tomoro melt away. Snow in tennessee sucks. I think that if i write another highlights of my day me reader might turn on me and start waiting outside my apartment for me to come home. Not in the way you usually do (to seduce me), but in a new dangerous way (to verbally abuse me – your original intention at first would be to physically attack me but upon seeing me you’d be surprised at how big and strong I look and would instead stick to insults).
So since my days of driving to cumberland started i have started listening to sports radio. its starting to become unhealthy. i actually listened to it at my house today. I dont care about other peoples sports opinions but i do really love sports. If i had to make a top five of my favorite things it would probably look something like this:
1. Me
2. food
3.boobies
4.sports
5. me playing air guitar while singing come sail away
The thing is i dont really know anyone else who is a really big sports fan. I sat in my living room sunday and attempted to watch 9 straight hours of football and was interrupted by number 2 on my list and had to go out and eat. out of the 4 or 5 calls i got sunday i dont think a single word was uttered that was sports related. One of my buddies broke up with his serious girlfriend only the day before and we didn’t realize it until EIGHT HOURS into hanging out with him, when one of us, finally noticing that his phone wasn’t ringing with her calls, said, “So [girlfriend] is really leaving you alone to watch the games, huh?” He gave us a quick recap and it was back to why Pittsburgh had a legitimate chance of winning the super bowl. and it was awesome. In a perfect world i would work in sports in some capacity. ideally, it would be a tight end for the titans, i hate basketball but i could play for the old bulls or something like that, or hind catcher for some team other than the yankees or boston. I cant really ice skate so hockey is out of the question. i cant really run long distances either so those sports above are probably out to. I don’t think you can play professional sports if every time you get a boner you also get a headache because it’s “just too much work”, but I’m not throwing in the towel on this dream entirely. But I don’t work in sports. I shouldn’t complain, because right now I don’t work at all. The whole "me as a legitimate employee for a long period of time" didnt real float my boat.

So that whole paragraph was pointless. Well if you know me that well you know that i really dont like homeless people. its not that i think they are lesser people because they dont have homes or anything like that, its i just dont trust them. Hours of Dateline episodes about homeless people pulling in like upper six digits a year bother me. So i have a love hate relationship for the homeless. I love them because i love to make jokes about them, on the other hand, i dislike them because i know that one day, probably in the next few weeks, one of them will end my life. its just the way its got to be. So to make a long pointless paragraph slightly longer, last week i was in my moms explorer, wearing a jacket, sunglasses, and a hat, and this woman pulls up next to me while im pumping gas. She casually roles down the window, she's white thats not important, and compliments the ride. she then proceeds to tell me this sob story about how she is getting out of a domestic violence situation and is trying to get her child, who is black also not important, but the damn thing wouldnt sit down, she just kept bouncing around the front seat where children are never supposed to be. so she claims she is trying to get her child and herself out of the state to her mothers house in some god forsaken northern state. so she ask for a few bucks to get some food and gas. i felt real shady about the whole situation, and i didnt think i had anything bigger than a five dollar bill on me and i figure i could do without a #1 for breakfast in the morning so i thought i would throw that her way. Well turns out i had a 20 and she gladly snatched that right up. So while i finished getting my moms gas, i kinda kept an eye on her to see what she bought with my cash, my rules was no cigarettes, no alcohols. Just gas and a nutritious snack for the child, and she did that, but she also felt obliged to keep the wad of change that she got back. No big deal. i was like "well im out 20 but maybe i helped save taht little girls life or something, so i went on and didnt pay much attention. Fast forward to last night. Im sitting at above said gas station, in my truck, wearing shorts and a different jacket, no sunglasses no hat. Keep in mind this is a whole week later. 7 days. 168 hours later. this familiar looking car pulls up. stops. rolls down the window. compliments my truck, "that sure is a purdy truck you got there, hey can i ask you a question?" so as soon as i saw her and that damn bouncing child, back in the front seat, i instantly recognize them. So i figure i would see if i was scammed.
-"i was just in a domestic violence situation and i am trying to get to my mommas house up north, i was wondering if you could help me and my baby out with some food and gas moneys."
-"oh" i said "well when did this domestic violence situation occur?"
-"this very night" she replied.
-"And how long have you been trying to get up north?"
-"well we packed up our belongings and left just a few hours ago and we've been driving ever since."
-"and you've been driving ever since then huh?"
-"yes sir, we have, and we could sure use your help. my babies real hungry"
At this point im outraged, absolutely pissed. this woman has lied, and pretty much stole from my generosity drawer. So i asked her how much cash she has on her. she has none, no credit cards nothing. Then i asked her if she even recognized me or was she just that dumb. she had no clue who i was. i told her that i had given her cash a week ago and then i went into an angry speech about using her daughter and blah blah blah. So ive never wanted to hit a woman, spankings not hitting, so bad in my life. she has the nerve to tell me to "go fuck off" and flips me off and drives away. im hurt. i will probably never give to anyone that i dont know ever again because of this lying whore. if i see her again, i probably wont do anything, what can i do. im not carrying any cash on me anymore. ever.

Life is sweet, for certain

1. Woke up in the middle of the night freezing, fell back asleep and had a dream that their was a balls freezing off epidemic going on in Canada
2. Watched a lady pay for her food at drive-thru window #1, and forgot to stop at #2 for her food
3. A bird collided into my apartment window
4. Either the same bird or it's equally retarded cousin did the same thing 10 minutes later, both times scared the shit out of me.
5. Ate cereal for both breakfast and lunch
6. Began worrying if those tiny corns in Chinese food have the same effect as regular corn
7. Determined my new alias at hotels will be "Mr. Ugly"
8. Got double-dog-dared
9. Successfully opened a Capri-Sun on my first try
10. Fed my neighbor's dog some Pop Rocks
11. Watched an Irish Setter try to figure what the fuck was happening to him
12. Officially re-named my nuts from "Simon" and "Garfunkle" to "Lionel" and "Richie"
13. Wrote a letter to Oprah asking for $1,000,000 straight up
14. Substituted gum for brushing my teeth
15. Practiced doing the robot for roughly an hour
16. Asked the gas station clerk if she was interested in taking a look at my resume
17. While doing about 85 mph, I was passed by what appeared to be a midget doing like 105
18. Saw a grown man pick his nose and eat it...I now know what I will look like in 20 years
19. Thought about all the places I would go if I were invisible
20. Accidentally farted while sneezing
21. Purposely farted 5 minutes later
22. Drank a fifth of Jack Daniels and played Nintendo's Duck Hunt
23. Started feeling guilty around stage 7, and I turned the gun on myself
24. Learned the hard way that there is a difference between cereal sprinkled with sugar and cereal sprinkled with salt.
25. Told a kid at Blockbuster that he had head-lice
26. Asked my waitress where she learned to toss a salad so well
27. daydreamed what my life would be like if i was a truck driver.
so thats my highlights.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I really cant sleep, i dont eat (as much as normal, i mean you know i still eat, but you know its different) I just dont feel good. I just wonder about things to much. I let the little things get to me. I went to a concert last night... i guess that was alright. i didnt really talk to anybody, i was zoned out thinking about stuff. I went out driving last night, that was fun and expensive. that one girl i talked about the other day, the one i thought i kinda liked, well i dont so much like her anymore. We went out for a walk and talked about things the other night for like 4 hours, and at the end i was like well i guess i have seen enough of you for my life, that was about a week ago, i dont think i will call her again...ever. i think im going to call bluebird, i kinda miss her. i kinda miss alot of people though, so that would probably be bad judgement. I've been gone for too long. And the criss-cross of the train tracks don't help me stumble along, so I've cut my ties and I'll admit I was wrong. that doesnt even make any sense to me. im retarded. I used to have a bad temper, but now i think im ok. I just listened to the worst version of "im all out of love" ever, i have no idea why that song is on my computer. I think maybe everyone else is changing and i just want things to be the same. Its probably because I am so out of things from lipscomb that when i do actually get to see some of my friends I still expect them to be the same but time has changed them, just like me. Predators just won, that was nice. i wish it wasnt so damn cold outside, i really want to go somewhere and sleep in the bed of my truck. that always makes me feel good. winter time sucks. it used to be favorite, but now not so much. i wish it would be warm and sunny 11.49 months of the year, and the other 0.51 it would snow like crazy but as soon as that last 0.1 was done all the snow would go away and it would be sunny and about 80, and me and lil T could blast threw the streets of nashville, windows down, radio up. well this is a long post. so i guess im done. expect more soon. ive got alot on my mind.

Cumberland Sucks Balls

Look at that...a book that could be judged by its cover!

I know that everyone of you feels a great desire to know how my night went. My life is so exciting, that it must be the highlight of your day. So, because I know you all are holding your breath, and because I'm such a nice guy, I'll tell you exactly what I did last night.
-walked to krogers by myself, it was nice out.
-got home and was accused of throwing away the remote, on purpose
-Ate some old macaroni and cheese
-Read a very exciting article in "Cook Illustrated" about Unsweetened Chocolate.
-Tried to go to sleep.
-stayed awake talking on aim to a girl i used to know
-wondered what it would be like to be raped by a hot woman
-realized the only chance i ever have of being raped will be by some mean cowboy that just saw Brokeback mountain and wants to get out all of his angst and semen on me.
-Thus far, half of my farts have smelled like toothpaste
-The other half have been combinations of Cheetos and green peppers, with hints of pineapple
-Came across this file that I downloaded a while back...funny yet terrible
-decided that from now on i will tell people that my great, great, great grandpa invented being left-handed
-Admitted to myself that I am obsessed with other people's away messages on IM
-i havent seen actual snow in about two years, besides the random crying spells i dont miss it at all.
Well im outta here, i have to go meet my advisor at Cumberland which will be a complete waste of time because if he knew anything about career planning, he wouldn't be a college advisor.

The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in

1. Felt old as I realized all the kids going back to school this week are being checked for lice, while my lice now goes unrecognized
2. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends
3. Picked a buger that looked like Massachusetts
4. Hot glue gunned a bunch of my old trophies into one huge trophy
5. Had a brain fart which was immediately followed by a real fart
6. Started a new hobby of looking for people who are obvisously waiting for somebody, and going up to them and saying, "who are you waiting for?" and they say something like "Mike", and then I say either, "Ah, me to." and just stand there. Or "Yeah, Mike told me to tell you he wasn't gonna be able to make it today." and just walk away
7. Threw a rock at a couple riding a tandem bike
8. Outran a tandem bike
9. Ran into a girl that I used to have a crush on and totally said out loud, "Hey! I dont even know your name" yeah i am that smooth.
10. Ran up and down my hallway yelling "Ready or not...here I come!"
11. Asked the house keeper at my hotel why it is called "continental breakfast"...she responded with, "you wan room kreen o no kreened?"
12. Wondered why the 3 little pigs didn't go in on a house together in the first place
13. Had a fart that smelled like Cheerios smoothered with Southern Comfort
14. Wondered if anyone ever mistook mace for binaca
15. Found a calculator under my bed...spelled out "BOOBS"
16. Remembered how spelling "BOOBIES" was, and is, the only thing that has ever made me truly happy.
17. Considered what bunk beds would do for my sex life

this was pretty much my christmas break. i accomplished nothing. i did quite out on my job at the H.D. and i totally have a check just sitting there with my name on it but i feel kinda bad about going in there and seeing the people that i liked. i really need a make out buddy, i will be accepting applications monday thru thursday 12ish - 5pm apply in person, wear something hot, my favorite color is blue. i threw up for the first time in a long time over break. i tried to sleep in a sink, and was extremeley unsuccessful. I think i might want to quite college and become a pimp, because contrary to popular belief pimpin is easy...its pretty much got to be the easiest job in the world. So i had to go to the doctor one day and i flipped over to the horoscope page in a magazine i was reading, you know just in case. This month it said I should go ahead with the business that i have been meaning to start. Since i have no business plans for the future i am beginning to believe that maybe my horoscope is not really meant for me. So my new years was like a girls gone wild/boys gone wild/ spring break crazy party. packed into a tiny house was about two hundred people and i had a blast. I wish i could feel like that all the time. I kissed a girl named emily at midnight. she was from manchester england. i am totally in love with her. probably should have gotten a last name. i guess im over it now, she totally broke my heart and went back to england, i feel so used. not really. but really i do. New years is my new favorite holiday. Memorable quotes from the new years... "is this americas birthday" -me "to the fire" -me "Im the first person to ever wear a santas hat in 2006, unless they were already wearing them...then they cheated." -me "good luck ladies" -DK i might have a few more quotes later but its late and i cant think of any more. now i am thinking about resolutions of the new year. since it is my favorite holiday ever i should do some stuff to make myself better for the next one. at one point during the night/day of new years i swore of alcohol, but lets be honest how long can that last? i did throw up about 6 times that night. i also think i shall be more tolerant of other people ideas and opinions. its a great idea and i'll kill anyone who doesnt agree. and i will be more respectful of women..chicks totally fall for that sincerity crap. I have been writing this blog for about a day now...i feel asleep a few hours ago and had a weird dream, got up, took a massive piss, and now hear i am again. I think this is going to be the year of the Brad. i'm going to get a new job, meet that special someone, and maybe even win the lottery. in all reality none of that will really happen. i do have a school boy crush on this one chick though, i dont think its going to happen, shes cool though, either way. this is the worst blog post ever. Nobody else reads this but hannah...and im ok with you knowing all this.