Hey, hey mom, look at me!

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albeit an awesome crazy phase

1. Celebrated the 7,884th consecutive day of not sharing chapstick.
2. Talked to a guy who dropped acid and made a stop animation movie about gummie bears fighting a war
3. Read some tips from Wilford Brimley
4. Had a dream that I co-stared in an after school special with Tiffany Brissette aka Vicky from Small Wonder
5. Celebrated the 7th consecutive year that old people eating soup is my #1 pet-peeve
6. Conducted a blind taste test and found that I prefer the generic version of Lucky Charms over the brand name, however I chose Pepsi over the generic pop (aka: soda, cola, or aka "Coke" by hillbillies)
7. Pissed off a large amout of hillbillies, but won them back by downloading the Dukes of Hazzard ringtone
8. Realized that i am a hillbilly and made myself sit in time-out
9. Met a woman at theKroger who said she was training for a marathon, but I'm pretty sure she meant to say an eatathon
10. Sent in an idea to the Discovery Channel for "Deadliest Catch: Season II"...in it I told them that in this season, catching crabs is just the beginning. (hookers are not allowed though)
11. I actually got an email in which someone informed me that "puntang" does not mean pudding in spanish... thanks, i appreciate that
12. Had a great conversation with this guy
13. Continued to question the ethics of the Charmin Ultra "less is more" commercial
14. Satisfied a craving for some Bubble-Yum by taking a shot of Pepto Bismol
15. Bought an issue of Entrepenuer Magazine so people will assume im self-employed instead of unemployed.
16. Began my plans to date a Jewish girl during this holiday season, so i can celebrate Christmikah like they do on the O.C.
17. I first must meet some Jews
18. Heard a guy fart in an elevator, asked him "did you say something?"
19. Farter guy gets out of elevator and a semi attractive girl gets on and im pretty sure she assumed the fart belonged to me.
20. Sent in a request to be on MTV Made...I want to learn how to make somebody my prison bitch
21. Re-named the STD term for "the clap" to "the applause"

Sorry it's been so long... not really, i dont even care about you people.

Well school is almost over and that's special. I have had so much to do lately and i hvaent really wanted to do anything but sleep and shower lately. Cumberland told me that i will have the honor of being with them for at least a 5th year, if not more.

Easter was pretty good. hung out with the fam for a few hours and the bored the hell out of me. Not really. Some of them are pretty cool. Two of my aunts own record labels and manage some pretty good country music artists and one of my uncles sings back up for tim mcgraw, but he secretly wants to be with faith... i know i do.

i am a big, sweaty man who takes his deodarante seriously. I hate gel deodorant and don’t understand how anyone likes it. I already sweat enough under my armpits; I don’t need to apply some cold, wet goo under there. I’m particular about brand of deodorant, too. For years, I wore old school Right Guard. I’m talking ten or so years here. It never failed me, properly clogging my sweaty pores and allowing me to choose from many different scents, everything from Musk to Spice. Then one day, it was gone. Or rather, changed. Right Guard remade the deodorant, made it hipper looking, and changed the formula. And I sweat right through it. So this was about 20 weeks ago or so and i had just recently thought the search for a new brand was over... The Axe affect took over, with names like Sports Fever and Urban Spice, I was not only smelling fresh, but sweating minimally. Things were good. But now this: Axe, like my old Right Guard, has remade its deodorant. Now it claims to have "24 hour protection" and is no longer "Anti-Perspirant", but "Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Gly Anti-Perspirant" (I shit you not, this is what it says on the label).

I have no idea why companies use big chemical-sounding names to sell products. For example, Trimspa, in various subway ads, claims to be "#1 in Hoodia gordonii." What the heck is "Hoodia gordonii?" Am I supposed to read that subway ad and say to myself, "Holy crap - I didn’t know Trimspa was #1 in Hoodia gordonii. I’d better get some of that and fast." "Hoodia gordonii" means nothing to me. It’s total gibberish. Trimspa might as well be "#1 in Rentrix Et Somaliani" for all I know. Just like "Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex Gly Anti-Perspirant." You know what does mean something to me? Not having fucking body odor. So keep your Aluminum, your Zirconium, and your Tetrachlorohydrex Gly and give me back my old deodorant. Because now I have to spend the next two weeks stinking like a 250 pound ham left out to be eaten by scavenging birds of prey on a summer day. Thanks, Axe. Fucking assholes.

I am constantly amazed at the stupidity of fat people.
I myself am a fat person, but this isn’t some sort of self-loathing thing. Because while I’m fat, I ain’t fucking real fat. When I say "fat" in this context, I’m talking about the people who get two Double Whoppers at Burger King, whereas my type of fat only gets one, and maybe a Hershey Sundae Pie. Big difference there.
(And now I’m hungry.)
one of the buildings i go to school in has revolving doors (note: this is not the actual building, Cumberland is a dump). Most people are familiar with how these work. You step into them, push on the door in front of you, enter a tube, continuing both pushing and walking through a quarter-circle, reach the outside, and (and this is important) continuing walking away from the revolving doors so the person behind can escape them.
As I was leaving to get lunch yesterday I headed to the revolving doors to exit. In front of me were two overweight women heading outside to grab a smoke. The first was mildly obese while the second has half-human/half-rhinoceros. The less fat woman entered the doors, followed by the rhino, followed by me. The less fat woman made it through and cleanly exited, but Ms. Rhino messed it up. She made it through the doors, but when she left them, instead of walking away from them so that the next person (me) could get out, she immediately stopped to light her cigarette. The result was that I came out of the doors (there was a person behind me as well) and stumbled into the Rhino, nearly tripping over one of her tree-trunk ankles and making a small scene. Of course, Ms. Rhino was not happy about this. In front of the small crowd, she turned around and angrily scolded me, saying, "Why don’t you watch where you’re going?" The incident happened so fast and I was so flustered that I could only mumble an "I’m sorry." Then I got a death stare from the Rhino, who continued to mumble something like, "He better watch where he’s going next time" under her breath as I walked away. If i wasnt in such a hurry and truly scared she might eat me, I would not have walked away so quietly. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have been so meek about the incident. Not only because it was clearly her fault, but also because she was morbidly obese. And I mean that literally - she is so fat that she could die at any moment. So I stomped the rest of the way to the lunch place, revisiting the scene in my head, with one major difference: When she says, "What don’t you watch where you’re going?, I respond with something like, "Why don’t you learn how to properly use a revolving door, Fat Chops? Here, I’ll help you out: next time you come out of the door, pretend like they’re giving away free cheeseburgers across the street. That should get you moving, Chunky." Or perhaps I would have still said "I’m sorry", but would have done it slightly differently, like, "Geez, I’m really sorry you stopped walking and caused me to run into you. So sorry about being right. And I’m sorry that you have lost all self-respect and are grossly overweight. As proof that I’m sorry, would you like to take a bite of me? You know, since you’re really fat and all? Maybe I’ll go upstairs to the cafeteria and cover my thigh in mayo - would you like that, Chubb Rock? If not, I think I might have an old Snickers in my bag. Let me check. Really I am sorry, let me go see if the valet will go fetch your "rascal" so you can make it to your car... fatass."
I’m going to be fat for the rest of my life. My dreams of being skinny ended sometime around 3rd grade. But if I ever get so fat that I turn my fat anger on those around me because I can’t move properly, please shoot me. Seriously. If i am ever so fat that i have to use a walker or a motorized rascal to get me around kill me. Walk up to me, tell me you read my blog and that it is for my own good and shove a gun barrel in between my neck rolls and blow my freaking head off. im serious.

I need somewhere to live... i already spend to much time in my truck and im not looking forward to sleeping in there. Any hot, non butch, chicks who need a completely undoubted heterosexual male to protect them and live in their apartment/house free of charge may apply. My only fears are: Homeless people, God, small spiders, mothers of girl scouts, asians, mexicans, minorities in general, fat people, skinny people, snakes, moths, grandaddy longlegs, extreme heat, extreme cold, pain, social interaction, hunger, gays (i can never tell if they secretly want my hot bod), lesbians (becuase i know they secretly have absolutely no desire for my hot bod but lead me on anyways, but i would totally live with lesbians) also scared of: mayonaise touching any part of my body or clothes, same thing for cottage cheese, bright lights, dark places, quiet places, loud noises, librarians, and several other things... (im not really scared of all of those, they just came in my head, but i am seriously scared of mayonaise touching my skin... im not sure why.)

I'm stressed. stay tuned i will post again soon. Life's a bitch and so are you, but not really, well kinda.