Take that Sewage Plant Poop Blender
Apparently I picked up someone's invisible monkey... That being said, this weekend was weird.
1. I was accused of picking up an invisible monkey
2. Given a peep show by the largest naked woman I have ever seen
3. Fell on my face getting out of a car while trying to chase someone
4. I was offered "a way for both of us to enjoy not getting a ticket" (you can figure out what that means)
5. Found out that I am not quite as desperate as I once thought I was.
6. There was more, but I am lazy
It's funny how fast I can go from absolutely despising someone's existence, to laughing with them and shaking their hand. I never really thought that I was like that, but I guess I am. Saturday we went to arrest some guy and he ran into the woods. So we pulled out all the big boy tricks that we know and still couldn't find the guy. Later in the night we return to the same area just on a hunch of getting this guy. Me and another deputy were poking around some thick woods behind a McDonald's restaurant. (Quick backstory... This guy ran from us, might be armed, I hate him, I have never met him, but I hate him with a passion. It is his fault that I am over my head in shit, freezing cold, wet, hungry (that's not really his fault, I'm always hungry, on account of the fatness), and nervous that I might actually die from this guy.) So long, and bad, story short, we catch the guy laying in some bushes not more than a few feet away from us. The following is direct quotes.
-"Blink wrong and I will blow your fucking head into that parking lot over there."
-"Dawgs, I wasnt trying to hide from you... I was just taking a nap."
-"I almost shot you, you don't even know how close you came to dying just then."
-"You police in Hickman County are some bad ass fuckers... I done been caught down here like 5 times, I am moving."
After about fifteen minutes of having this guy you realize that he is a human... He wasn't out to kill us, he just wanted to not go to jail, and maybe spend Christmas with his kids. All the way to the jail we talked and laughed, I have never laughed so hard at some of the things that he said in my life. It was good for me. When it was time for him to go, I shook his hand, told him to take luck. And I meant it.
Moving on...
I remember my first day of school, I remember the cold air in the morning, I remember the floor mats where they expected me to actually "nap." I remember the cookies weren't very great and the little carton of milk felt soggy and a little warm. I also remember that the very first thing I ever thought about the very first teacher I ever had was "this woman is an idiot," she may also have been the first women I ever imagined naked. I don't remember her name, that's how bad she was. She stood up in front of the class and introduced herself: "Good morning everybody, my name is Mrs. Forgettable, and the first thing we are gonna do is play a game. I have a bean bag and when I toss it to you, you catch it, then say your name and tell us all what you want to be when you grow up." Ok, so maybe thinking she was an idiot wasn't the FIRST thing I thought about her, but I arrived at that conclusion before I was officially bean bagged into the turd we call compulsory public education. "What do I WANT to be? Is something going to happen in life where I am gonna haff to change who I already AM?" I thought. She tossed the bean bag to a dozen or so future firemen, cops, princesses, and gynecologists while the chemicals in my head began to pulse and make my heart beat faster, nervous that I might drop the bean bag and look retarded, but mostly because I was getting ready to make a statement, to issue a decree of sorts, you know, I was ready to let it be known that I didn't like the way this whole little "bean bag" deal was going and I was determined set her straight. I wasn't about to be molded. The bean bag finally made it my way and I caught it without even squinting (like a bunch of the other morons) I took a swallow as my face grew hot, I looked my teacher straight in the eye and gave her a very clear "watch this" kind of look and then I turned towards the rest of my classmates to whom I really wanted to direct my dismissives. "I don't WANT to BE anything, I AM an artist." Take that Fireman. Take that Teacher. Take that Sewage Plant Poop Blender. All I wanted to do with my life was draw pictures and have a restauraunt that only sells homemade apple pies. I was that simple. (Forget the fact that I am a policeman, and firefighter... When is the last time things went exactly like you had planned? Never. Right? That's what i thought.)
Growing up, my dad used to occasionally drop into school and come straight to my class and tell the teacher he needed to pull me out of school for the day and then we'd go out for hamburgers and a movie and on one such day, while making the "always remember to take a break" speech that my dad loved to give every five minutes, he said to me; "Son, my good son, most of your teachers are complete idiots, never think for a second that any of them are any smarter than you." "Duh dad, I know."
And I did know.
Maybe some people are just born thinking they are better than everyone. I think I am one of those people... I know I am those people.
My Favorite Music.
I know you don't care, but this is my one chance to force my opinions on you.
1. The Fray... used to be a favorite. I found them after a recomendation from a friend almost two years ago, now all of you bastards know about them and it pisses me off. It was like I had a secret that not many people knew about and some idiot slipped and told someone else while they were sitting in the principal's office, but to my dismay the microphone on his desk was on and the whole fucking school heard it and went out and bought the cd that afternoon. That's how i feel about that.
2. The Format... particularly the song "On Your Porch" because I like porches.
3. The Clarks (not the family band) I can only imagine that my facebook wife introduced me to these guys and they have become a staple of my music diet. The energy and words that seem to go into the music that these guys produce is incredible. Plus their songs really make me feel good. Go get their CD "Still Live" it will change your life (Not really).
4. Butch Walker... I can't think of a bad song by this guy. Mixtape, Suburbia, the Best thing that you never had... they all rock.
5. Jeremy Kay... Have It All. Great song as heard on NBC's great show "Scrubs." This may be the intro song to "The Paying My Dues" movie. It's a story about my life, and how stupid I am.
6. "Busby Berkeley Dreams" and "All My Little Words" The Magnetic Fields. Is it me or is there something incredible about an extremely gay man with an extremely deep voice sitting at a piano and singing a sad song that starts "I should have forgotten you long ago/But you’re in every song I know"? For the latter, if you want to know what hopelessness sounds like, check this song out ("I could make you pay and pay/But I could never make you stay"). Two profoundly depressing songs - and you know that I know my depressing songs. I’d have to think about this a little more, but of the 22 suicide-inducing songs on my "Sad as Fuck" playlist, these may be the two saddest. This is about the strongest endorsement I can give. If you don’t download them, well, you’ll probably be a much happier person. But if you like sad music, you’re doing yourself a disservice by not checking these out.
7."Where Did Our Love Go?" J. Geils Band. When I first learned that my friend Mike was a self-described "huge J. Geils fan," I thought "What the fuck?" But they have some pretty good tunes, my favorite being this cover of The Supremes song, which is, dare I say, rollicking. Much respect to bands or artists who cover songs and infuse them with their own style; this sounds like a J. Geils original. And if after listening to this song you don’t want to hang out with Peter Wolf (lead singer of the band), then you are truly socially awkward.
I love cereal. Big time. It’s fucking incredible. But hear me now when I say this: the good people over at Honey Bunches of Oats will change the world with their newest creation - Honey Bunches of Oats with Cinnamon Clusters. I have never in my life tasted cereal as good as this. Never. I don’t have anything else to say, aside from that if you see this cereal in your local grocery store and you don’t buy it, you will regret it for the rest of your life. No lie. (You’re welcome in advance.)
Anyways if anyone still reads this and wants to do something tomoro (I have no idea how to really spell that, or restauraunt?, How am I in college) night call me. for real, i am so bored. Also I will be going out Thursday night. It should be good for me.
I have Christmas Break coming up so I'm not sure what is going to happen here. But fear not: I will be checking in or otherwise you will have something good to read on here, so check back if you like. I mean, I’m not going to beg you - hell, I’ll be on vacation getting fucked up and sleeping until 2pm - but I’m just saying.
And I promise to take lots of pictures and do lots of stupid things. [Have a good week.]
1. I was accused of picking up an invisible monkey
2. Given a peep show by the largest naked woman I have ever seen
3. Fell on my face getting out of a car while trying to chase someone
4. I was offered "a way for both of us to enjoy not getting a ticket" (you can figure out what that means)
5. Found out that I am not quite as desperate as I once thought I was.
6. There was more, but I am lazy
It's funny how fast I can go from absolutely despising someone's existence, to laughing with them and shaking their hand. I never really thought that I was like that, but I guess I am. Saturday we went to arrest some guy and he ran into the woods. So we pulled out all the big boy tricks that we know and still couldn't find the guy. Later in the night we return to the same area just on a hunch of getting this guy. Me and another deputy were poking around some thick woods behind a McDonald's restaurant. (Quick backstory... This guy ran from us, might be armed, I hate him, I have never met him, but I hate him with a passion. It is his fault that I am over my head in shit, freezing cold, wet, hungry (that's not really his fault, I'm always hungry, on account of the fatness), and nervous that I might actually die from this guy.) So long, and bad, story short, we catch the guy laying in some bushes not more than a few feet away from us. The following is direct quotes.
-"Blink wrong and I will blow your fucking head into that parking lot over there."
-"Dawgs, I wasnt trying to hide from you... I was just taking a nap."
-"I almost shot you, you don't even know how close you came to dying just then."
-"You police in Hickman County are some bad ass fuckers... I done been caught down here like 5 times, I am moving."
After about fifteen minutes of having this guy you realize that he is a human... He wasn't out to kill us, he just wanted to not go to jail, and maybe spend Christmas with his kids. All the way to the jail we talked and laughed, I have never laughed so hard at some of the things that he said in my life. It was good for me. When it was time for him to go, I shook his hand, told him to take luck. And I meant it.
Moving on...
I remember my first day of school, I remember the cold air in the morning, I remember the floor mats where they expected me to actually "nap." I remember the cookies weren't very great and the little carton of milk felt soggy and a little warm. I also remember that the very first thing I ever thought about the very first teacher I ever had was "this woman is an idiot," she may also have been the first women I ever imagined naked. I don't remember her name, that's how bad she was. She stood up in front of the class and introduced herself: "Good morning everybody, my name is Mrs. Forgettable, and the first thing we are gonna do is play a game. I have a bean bag and when I toss it to you, you catch it, then say your name and tell us all what you want to be when you grow up." Ok, so maybe thinking she was an idiot wasn't the FIRST thing I thought about her, but I arrived at that conclusion before I was officially bean bagged into the turd we call compulsory public education. "What do I WANT to be? Is something going to happen in life where I am gonna haff to change who I already AM?" I thought. She tossed the bean bag to a dozen or so future firemen, cops, princesses, and gynecologists while the chemicals in my head began to pulse and make my heart beat faster, nervous that I might drop the bean bag and look retarded, but mostly because I was getting ready to make a statement, to issue a decree of sorts, you know, I was ready to let it be known that I didn't like the way this whole little "bean bag" deal was going and I was determined set her straight. I wasn't about to be molded. The bean bag finally made it my way and I caught it without even squinting (like a bunch of the other morons) I took a swallow as my face grew hot, I looked my teacher straight in the eye and gave her a very clear "watch this" kind of look and then I turned towards the rest of my classmates to whom I really wanted to direct my dismissives. "I don't WANT to BE anything, I AM an artist." Take that Fireman. Take that Teacher. Take that Sewage Plant Poop Blender. All I wanted to do with my life was draw pictures and have a restauraunt that only sells homemade apple pies. I was that simple. (Forget the fact that I am a policeman, and firefighter... When is the last time things went exactly like you had planned? Never. Right? That's what i thought.)
Growing up, my dad used to occasionally drop into school and come straight to my class and tell the teacher he needed to pull me out of school for the day and then we'd go out for hamburgers and a movie and on one such day, while making the "always remember to take a break" speech that my dad loved to give every five minutes, he said to me; "Son, my good son, most of your teachers are complete idiots, never think for a second that any of them are any smarter than you." "Duh dad, I know."
And I did know.
Maybe some people are just born thinking they are better than everyone. I think I am one of those people... I know I am those people.
My Favorite Music.
I know you don't care, but this is my one chance to force my opinions on you.
1. The Fray... used to be a favorite. I found them after a recomendation from a friend almost two years ago, now all of you bastards know about them and it pisses me off. It was like I had a secret that not many people knew about and some idiot slipped and told someone else while they were sitting in the principal's office, but to my dismay the microphone on his desk was on and the whole fucking school heard it and went out and bought the cd that afternoon. That's how i feel about that.
2. The Format... particularly the song "On Your Porch" because I like porches.
3. The Clarks (not the family band) I can only imagine that my facebook wife introduced me to these guys and they have become a staple of my music diet. The energy and words that seem to go into the music that these guys produce is incredible. Plus their songs really make me feel good. Go get their CD "Still Live" it will change your life (Not really).
4. Butch Walker... I can't think of a bad song by this guy. Mixtape, Suburbia, the Best thing that you never had... they all rock.
5. Jeremy Kay... Have It All. Great song as heard on NBC's great show "Scrubs." This may be the intro song to "The Paying My Dues" movie. It's a story about my life, and how stupid I am.
6. "Busby Berkeley Dreams" and "All My Little Words" The Magnetic Fields. Is it me or is there something incredible about an extremely gay man with an extremely deep voice sitting at a piano and singing a sad song that starts "I should have forgotten you long ago/But you’re in every song I know"? For the latter, if you want to know what hopelessness sounds like, check this song out ("I could make you pay and pay/But I could never make you stay"). Two profoundly depressing songs - and you know that I know my depressing songs. I’d have to think about this a little more, but of the 22 suicide-inducing songs on my "Sad as Fuck" playlist, these may be the two saddest. This is about the strongest endorsement I can give. If you don’t download them, well, you’ll probably be a much happier person. But if you like sad music, you’re doing yourself a disservice by not checking these out.
7."Where Did Our Love Go?" J. Geils Band. When I first learned that my friend Mike was a self-described "huge J. Geils fan," I thought "What the fuck?" But they have some pretty good tunes, my favorite being this cover of The Supremes song, which is, dare I say, rollicking. Much respect to bands or artists who cover songs and infuse them with their own style; this sounds like a J. Geils original. And if after listening to this song you don’t want to hang out with Peter Wolf (lead singer of the band), then you are truly socially awkward.
I love cereal. Big time. It’s fucking incredible. But hear me now when I say this: the good people over at Honey Bunches of Oats will change the world with their newest creation - Honey Bunches of Oats with Cinnamon Clusters. I have never in my life tasted cereal as good as this. Never. I don’t have anything else to say, aside from that if you see this cereal in your local grocery store and you don’t buy it, you will regret it for the rest of your life. No lie. (You’re welcome in advance.)
Anyways if anyone still reads this and wants to do something tomoro (I have no idea how to really spell that, or restauraunt?, How am I in college) night call me. for real, i am so bored. Also I will be going out Thursday night. It should be good for me.
I have Christmas Break coming up so I'm not sure what is going to happen here. But fear not: I will be checking in or otherwise you will have something good to read on here, so check back if you like. I mean, I’m not going to beg you - hell, I’ll be on vacation getting fucked up and sleeping until 2pm - but I’m just saying.
And I promise to take lots of pictures and do lots of stupid things. [Have a good week.]
posted by Brad at
8:01 PM
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