I'm sorry...
it's been a while, just way to long to go without saying hi! For both of us. So I'm sorry.
Holidays have finally come and gone and that makes me feel alright. I dont really get into the holidays anymore. I just dont really like the fakeness of it all. Maybe it's just me. Actually I know its just me. I think i would be perfectly happy during the holidays if i could choose who to be around. When i announced that i was going to work on Christmas so i didnt have to see my family my mom promptly informed me that "that's what christmas is, smiling at people you dont like, now call the department and tell them you are going to see your family on christmas." I really do like the shine and glitter of it all, i just don't like the people i am around... hopefully one day i will get married and spend time with her, it's more likely that my family will all die first though, lets all cross our fingers.
the idea of the holidays are supposed to be relaxing... this is my last christmas that i will ever truly have nothing to do, I am supposedly set up to graduate in december 07, 11 months away bitches. Theoretically, this is a natural, cleansing period of solitude. But for me it ends up being this depressive coma where I sit in my apartment, which i no longer have, eating a variety of cold cereals and mildly warm soups, watching the E! Network, and forgetting that I have a lower half of my body. I love E! because it makes me think that things that are unimportant are really important. I’m like, “I need to know about the sexiest people from the 80s.” E! also answers all the questions that you were never going to ask. Like, “I wonder how Full House was made?”
New year bring new years resolutions... which i made none. Its just another day. Lets not get overdramatic. I actually celebrated January 3-4 more than the first, i had to work on the first. The countdown at midnight of the third isnt quite the same but i still had a dumbass grin on my face. Still I'm glad the holidays are done. I think that i have been so stresssed over the last few weeks because of several things, mostly to do with money, where i am going to live, and other things that if you erally do think about it matter and no matter what anyone else says creditors will ruin your life. No i have enough money due to working my ass off over break but i still have nowhere to live and that is making me miserable. So now people are back to normal from the holidays, now they are only about 73% fake as opposed to the usual high 90's recieved during christmas. Speaking of high ninetys, fuck this weather. It's ridiculous.
In other news, just a quick question: how the F do the Los Angeles Galaxy have $250 million to sign David Beckham? And I don’t mean that like "how do they have the cap room?", but rather, how do they have enough money, period? I’ve never met anyone who watches MLS, let alone has been to a game or has bought its merchandise. And yet ONE TEAM has a quarter of a billion dollars to sign a player? The equivalent would be me, as an eight year old in a house in which food stamps were used, coming down on Christmas morning to find a card with $190,000 in it.
What gives here? Can someone explain this to me? Because if this is the way money works, I’m heading out straight from here to buy a building, because, hey, fuck it.
A few weeks ago I was driving in a car with my mom and she was on her car phone, which is, by the way, what my mom calls every piece of technology since 1987. Pager? Car phone. Blackberry? Car phone. Garage door opener? Toaster.
So my Mom had her actual car phone on speaker and she was leaving a message for her friend and she says, “We can’t come to your dinner party because we promised we’d take Brad out for dinner,” and then she pressed what she believed to be the “end” button. And then she looked over at me and said, “I just made that up.” And then I looked down and pressed the actual “end” button. The lesson of this story is, if you are not good with technology, don't be cocky about it.
I fear we are at a dangerous juncture in civilization where there is a huge amount of technology and only like 8 people who know how to properly use that technology. The other day I went to a movie and during the movie the guy next to me answered his cell phone, and he answered the phone by saying, and I quote, “Who dis’?” So not only was this person willing to talk to someone during the movie, he was willing to talk to anyone during the movie. But perhaps an even more irritating phenomenon is the amount of people with camera phones. Don’t get me wrong. I love cameras and I love phones, the same way I love pizza and ice cream, but for many reasons I don’t eat pizza ice cream, and when I do, it’s in the privacy of my own home in a bathtub crying. And don't get me wrong. i love me some pictures. I am mostly retarded so i forget what is currently happening around me about 83% of the time. Which is bad. Because i often forget that people exist or why i know them and stuff like that. Sometimes people will be like, “What’d you do last week?” and I’m like “Oh….no.” Now when I’m traveling I take photos so I can pull out my camera and say, “Oh, I went to Salt Lake City and then…I signed up to join a bar because Utah has these weird Mormon rules about signing up for bars, and then I threw up on a mormon, and then I got arrested. There’s the picture, right there! But for petes sake please learn how to use the damn camera before you line me up for a picture. I dont enjoy standing in a half hug position on someones mom while you try and solve the rubiks cube that is your phone.
There are many things about me that deserve pitying - the downright unfair amount of body hair I’ve been cursed with, how I’m 100% positive that woman are incapable of having orgasms (it’s a total myth), the whole "penis like a light switch" thing I have going on - but none more so than the fact that I genuinely believe that I have a 50/50 chance of marrying Elisha Cuthbert. Yes, I know this is how Dateline NBC documentaries start (ending of course with me giving a jailhouse interview with tears in my eyes, delirious, screaming, "I loved her! We loved with a love that was more than love! That’s from a poem! Look it up!"), but if you think about it, my life has been nothing but a series of tremendously fortuitous developments over the past few years. Let’s face it: I have no discernable or valuable talent except comparing my penis to tiny everyday objects (I was going to go with "hershey kiss" above but "light switch" felt better) and writing really long sentences, and something I used to procrastinate at work magically turned into a multi-million dollar empire (lie), garnering me thousands of "fans" (bigger lie) and a variety of exotic and capable lovers (sadly, biggest lie of all).
The point is that all of this is building toward something. Of course, the smart money is that it’s building toward something terrible (death in a hotel fire seems to be getting the best odds), but maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s building toward something Greatest of All, like, for example, marrying a very attractive Hollywood starlet who probably smells like cinnamon and sunflowers. Or maybe it’s somewhere in the middle (Elisha Cuthbert and I date for awhile and it’s totally awesome but then I lose my arms in a hotel fire and she breaks up with me). Who knows.
Holidays have finally come and gone and that makes me feel alright. I dont really get into the holidays anymore. I just dont really like the fakeness of it all. Maybe it's just me. Actually I know its just me. I think i would be perfectly happy during the holidays if i could choose who to be around. When i announced that i was going to work on Christmas so i didnt have to see my family my mom promptly informed me that "that's what christmas is, smiling at people you dont like, now call the department and tell them you are going to see your family on christmas." I really do like the shine and glitter of it all, i just don't like the people i am around... hopefully one day i will get married and spend time with her, it's more likely that my family will all die first though, lets all cross our fingers.
the idea of the holidays are supposed to be relaxing... this is my last christmas that i will ever truly have nothing to do, I am supposedly set up to graduate in december 07, 11 months away bitches. Theoretically, this is a natural, cleansing period of solitude. But for me it ends up being this depressive coma where I sit in my apartment, which i no longer have, eating a variety of cold cereals and mildly warm soups, watching the E! Network, and forgetting that I have a lower half of my body. I love E! because it makes me think that things that are unimportant are really important. I’m like, “I need to know about the sexiest people from the 80s.” E! also answers all the questions that you were never going to ask. Like, “I wonder how Full House was made?”
New year bring new years resolutions... which i made none. Its just another day. Lets not get overdramatic. I actually celebrated January 3-4 more than the first, i had to work on the first. The countdown at midnight of the third isnt quite the same but i still had a dumbass grin on my face. Still I'm glad the holidays are done. I think that i have been so stresssed over the last few weeks because of several things, mostly to do with money, where i am going to live, and other things that if you erally do think about it matter and no matter what anyone else says creditors will ruin your life. No i have enough money due to working my ass off over break but i still have nowhere to live and that is making me miserable. So now people are back to normal from the holidays, now they are only about 73% fake as opposed to the usual high 90's recieved during christmas. Speaking of high ninetys, fuck this weather. It's ridiculous.
In other news, just a quick question: how the F do the Los Angeles Galaxy have $250 million to sign David Beckham? And I don’t mean that like "how do they have the cap room?", but rather, how do they have enough money, period? I’ve never met anyone who watches MLS, let alone has been to a game or has bought its merchandise. And yet ONE TEAM has a quarter of a billion dollars to sign a player? The equivalent would be me, as an eight year old in a house in which food stamps were used, coming down on Christmas morning to find a card with $190,000 in it.
What gives here? Can someone explain this to me? Because if this is the way money works, I’m heading out straight from here to buy a building, because, hey, fuck it.
A few weeks ago I was driving in a car with my mom and she was on her car phone, which is, by the way, what my mom calls every piece of technology since 1987. Pager? Car phone. Blackberry? Car phone. Garage door opener? Toaster.
So my Mom had her actual car phone on speaker and she was leaving a message for her friend and she says, “We can’t come to your dinner party because we promised we’d take Brad out for dinner,” and then she pressed what she believed to be the “end” button. And then she looked over at me and said, “I just made that up.” And then I looked down and pressed the actual “end” button. The lesson of this story is, if you are not good with technology, don't be cocky about it.
I fear we are at a dangerous juncture in civilization where there is a huge amount of technology and only like 8 people who know how to properly use that technology. The other day I went to a movie and during the movie the guy next to me answered his cell phone, and he answered the phone by saying, and I quote, “Who dis’?” So not only was this person willing to talk to someone during the movie, he was willing to talk to anyone during the movie. But perhaps an even more irritating phenomenon is the amount of people with camera phones. Don’t get me wrong. I love cameras and I love phones, the same way I love pizza and ice cream, but for many reasons I don’t eat pizza ice cream, and when I do, it’s in the privacy of my own home in a bathtub crying. And don't get me wrong. i love me some pictures. I am mostly retarded so i forget what is currently happening around me about 83% of the time. Which is bad. Because i often forget that people exist or why i know them and stuff like that. Sometimes people will be like, “What’d you do last week?” and I’m like “Oh….no.” Now when I’m traveling I take photos so I can pull out my camera and say, “Oh, I went to Salt Lake City and then…I signed up to join a bar because Utah has these weird Mormon rules about signing up for bars, and then I threw up on a mormon, and then I got arrested. There’s the picture, right there! But for petes sake please learn how to use the damn camera before you line me up for a picture. I dont enjoy standing in a half hug position on someones mom while you try and solve the rubiks cube that is your phone.
There are many things about me that deserve pitying - the downright unfair amount of body hair I’ve been cursed with, how I’m 100% positive that woman are incapable of having orgasms (it’s a total myth), the whole "penis like a light switch" thing I have going on - but none more so than the fact that I genuinely believe that I have a 50/50 chance of marrying Elisha Cuthbert. Yes, I know this is how Dateline NBC documentaries start (ending of course with me giving a jailhouse interview with tears in my eyes, delirious, screaming, "I loved her! We loved with a love that was more than love! That’s from a poem! Look it up!"), but if you think about it, my life has been nothing but a series of tremendously fortuitous developments over the past few years. Let’s face it: I have no discernable or valuable talent except comparing my penis to tiny everyday objects (I was going to go with "hershey kiss" above but "light switch" felt better) and writing really long sentences, and something I used to procrastinate at work magically turned into a multi-million dollar empire (lie), garnering me thousands of "fans" (bigger lie) and a variety of exotic and capable lovers (sadly, biggest lie of all).
The point is that all of this is building toward something. Of course, the smart money is that it’s building toward something terrible (death in a hotel fire seems to be getting the best odds), but maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s building toward something Greatest of All, like, for example, marrying a very attractive Hollywood starlet who probably smells like cinnamon and sunflowers. Or maybe it’s somewhere in the middle (Elisha Cuthbert and I date for awhile and it’s totally awesome but then I lose my arms in a hotel fire and she breaks up with me). Who knows.
posted by Brad at
12:45 PM
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