waiting for my turn to die.

you know tonite after the great show by The Tyler Flowers Band i went and ran for about 45 minutes at the high school track. after i was about to the point that i couldnt breathe i went and sat in the bleachers and just thought about life and how things can be changed by just one second, or one glance, or just a missed oportunity. i wonder where i would be right now if i hadnt messed my knee up, what would i be like, would i feel like i feel right now? its the what ifs that eat me up inside every single night of the week. i sit up in bed every time i try to sleep and think about how im wasting my time here, how my life shouldnt be like this, how i shouldnt feel like this. why everytime i feel strongly about something, everytime i think ive got something figured out, does something come back around and shoot everything i feel down? sometimes i feel like i am missing out on the secret that everyone else knows. sometimes i just want to run away, or just get in my truck and drive to somewhere where noone has even heard of me. i wish i was just man enough to do something about the way i feel. and b4 i get the comments and the calls about how depressed i am, dont do it. im fine, just have something strong on my mind and my heart and i feel like a little kid who just lost their favorite toy, there is always a new fad right around the corner. sometimes we just pay for our hesitations, our missed opportunities, with our hearts, and i feel like i've paid it all. i've paid my dues, now when do i get paid back?

and now some kick ass goo goo dolls!

I lie in my bed, you're running through my head
Going over and over and over, the things that you said
I'm caught in the trap, I'll run like hell right back to you
'Cause it's over with you and you know it means drinking alone

See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar waitin' for his turn to die
The cowboy kills the rock star and Friday night's gone too far
The dim light hides the years on all the faded girls
Forgotten but not gone you drink it off your mind
You talk about the world like it's someplace that you've been
You see you'd love to run home, but you know you ain't got one cause you're livin' in a world that you're best forgotten, around here
You're anger don't impress me the world slapped in your face
It always rains like hell on the loser's day parade

Yeah I'm fadin' And I call out No one hears me Never been, never felt, never thought I'd say a wordWeighed down Safe now You're naked inside your fear You can't take back all those yearsThe shots in the dark from empty gunsAre never heard by anyoneYeah I'm hiding in the fallout Now I'm wasted They don't need me, don't want me, don't hear a word I sayWeighed down Safe now You're naked inside your fearYou can't take back all those years The shots in the dark from empty guns Are never heard by anyone Inside your head No one's there And I don't think I'll ever be And I don't care You're naked inside your fearYou can't take back all those years The shots in the dark from empty guns Are never heard by anyone Never heard by anyone By anyone By anyone

my blogs are so long, yeah i wouldnt read it either. but i dont give a fuck. so read it if you wish if you dont well then i dont care. i put a song or a quote or ten songs at the end of every blog b/c music is what moves me. my music knows my emotions and when i am in a bad mood a killer song can reach deep down into my heart and soul and make whatever the hell is going on seem as clear as day but as distant as another planet at the same time. sometimes it just feels good to sink into another world that is not projected onto a television screen, but one that is burned into my skin, one that really moves me. so when i put ten songs on a blog its not for neone but me. its the songs that i feel moved by at that moment. and right now the goo goo dolls are pushing me around the room.